10 years back, India and specially Delhi was on roads protesting against horrific rape and murder of Nirbhaya. Today after 10 years when PM asked for more respect towards Women on 75 years of Independence, the very same day 11 convicts of Gang rape of Bilkis Bano were released under a remission petition. After Nirbhaya and #MeToo, there was lot of discussion around treatment of women but whether we as a society and specially the so called Men have changed at all? These are probably few terrible cases which became public at large but have we progressed on women safety? Any men reading this blog, have you ever asked a women what she has to go through? I did.
Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.
Joseph Conrad
Recently I met a very close friend after a gap of 6 months. She stays outside Mumbai for studies. She is someone I consider extremely savage and outspoken. She was in Mumbai for therapy. She told me that while going from her college to home around 6-7PM a guy on a bike came near her, pressed her boobs and just rode off. Before she understands and reacts the muscular Indian men had gone. First time she felt vulnerable. She felt that she was not able to protect her. She felt helpless. She had nightmares about this incident and had to get admitted due to it. When I heard it from her, not sure if I was angry, emotional, embarrassed or just disappointed.
Those who think this is one of case, remember the women goes through it everyday. It is heartbreaking to hear it and actually from someone you really love and respect. Sometimes as a men we slyly pass a comment without even thinking any repercussions on the other gender. Social media is living proof of this. But those sly comments are the deep routed mentality towards women
Let’s talk about dating apps here. I have a friend who was on one of such apps on insistence of her friend. She just wanted to explore it. She deleted the app in 2 days. I asked her if she already found someone on which she just blasted me saying she had worst experience on it. The very first few comments were “Are you open for kinky stuff?”, “What is your body count?” or “DTF? (Down to fuck)”. She was devastated with the way most guys approached her. She did understand that dating apps are used for casual hookups and friend with benefit but isn’t there some more respectful way to show your intention.
Someone would argue, why just use dating apps go and use Shaadi.com. But that’s exactly the fault. You are justifying a certain way of objectification. Yes you might use the app for hooking up casually but even asking that can be with some amount of respect. The most important thing a men needs to do is make the girl feel safe. But here you are shamelessly in a cover of dating apps just passing the nastiest questions with this attitude of “Ye he toh kar na hota hai dating apps pe”
It is not just the strangers who ends up doing this. A while ago a friend narrated a story. They were out for an offsite. Her friend had this sort of liking towards this guy from office. In the party that night they both came very close to each other. They hooked up in the offsite. From next day, that guy just stopped talking to her completely. Can we really say there were any consensus?
It’s debatable but here’s my view. It is important for both to clarify the intent of getting into sexual relationships. It is more important for a guy to clarify this. For a second he did not because of emotions at that time it is important for a person to clarify it next day. If both had different intentions it is important to be available emotionally till she understands. She is not just an object that your work is done and you move on. Someone recently told me that even in casual/ONS, you always leave back that some part of emotions. Being emotionally unavailable is a trait of great India men to run away from their responsibilities.
TEACH your kids to respect women instead of making sons feel more entitled and important. The world will make them feel that anyway. So save your sons from turning into such beasts. And spare us the grief
Anushka Sharma
While reading you might assume that you are not one of these person. And glad that you are not one of them. But remember it doesn’t end there. There are things as a men everyone needs to do. May be a starting point could be:
- Raise your opinion on cases like Bilkis Bano or Ankita or any such brutal incident. Even social media outrage makes govt take action. (Shrikant Tyagi is latest example)
- Stop following people like Hindustani bhau and similar pages on social media
- Report comments on social media derogatory to women
- Stop sharing reels making ridiculous sexist remark on women even if they are celebrity
- Stop even your friend from making some sly comment as a boys group talks
- Make them feel safe whether you are friend, colleague or meeting them through social media/dating app
A sustained and continuous approach in action and thoughts is must for a better and progressive society. You may not open door for a women or may not alway say “ladies first”, but just kind, compassionate and thoughtful men is enough. Time to change and it starts from each and every one because deep down we all have some sort of sexist mindset and it may not change overnight but a sustained approach will make it work
Dharmin Shah 