A while back I watched this movie called ‘Ludo’ on Netflix. After a day or two I met couple of friends. One of them asked me how was the movie (I guess a pretty standard question). I told him “I am not sure” (I guess not so standard answer). He quickly rebutted saying “Kya tuje nai pata? Movide dekha and pata nai kaisa laga?” (How come you don’t know?). Genuinely I was not sure if I liked the movie or I did not. But the bigger question here is that no one is ready to hear this ‘not sure’ answer. You have to be either this side or that side but you cannot be indecisive and I am wondering why? Why it is not okay to be not sure about something?
Let’s go back to your schooling days. Imagine you are in your 10th standard. Some relative comes to you and asks “10th ke baad kya kar na hai?” Now tell me what if you say “I am not sure?” The sky will fall. You will be bombarded with statements like “abhi tak decide nai kia tune” “Result aane ke baad sochega kya!!” “Ek kaam kar iss bande se baat kar le vo help karega”. “How come this is acceptable” If he/she has not decided we should leave it there but we have this habit of making this indecisive compare with lack of seriousness or lack of knowledge. We will start almost deciding for that person. But we need to understand it is okay to be indecisive sometimes. They will eventually figure out.
The problem of this questioning indecisiveness also comes from quotes like “Time is money” “Time is running out”. These people should shut the fuck up. No, time is not running out and if you want to take some time to decide for yourself it is justified. So please legitimise the “I am not sure”
Let’s get the another example. I have a friend who is doing a job. A well paying job and also has a great work life balance. This guy told me that he cannot complain anything about his job except that he still feels whether he can continue here for long term, in short “He is not sure”. The other friend just jumped in and said “Are you mad? How can you be not sure about such a wonderful job. You are damn lucky to have it. Also you are in late 20s, you can’t be not sure about this”. Again questioning the reason for not being sure. The guy having this job has his opinion and he is living that life. If he is not sure he is not sure, period.
The problem is that we start investigating logic. We do not have to find logic in why someone is not sure about something. What we need to do is give some space and time. What we need to do is ask him to experiment few things rather then pressuring them more onto being decisive. So please stop questioning “I am not sure”
The other example and many will relate in late 20s is of marriage. A friend narrated me a story. She went to this wedding of her friend. She was with her other friend. After a while bridegroom’s mother came to meet her. Even before she can congratulate her, the question came “when are you getting married?” She was clearly expecting this so said “I am not sure”. The response came “still not decided? Beta after 30, it will be so difficult to get married. Just say yes and I can share some bio data for you.” What I do not understand is that what part of her answer “I am not sure” the other person did not understand?
The problem here is the so called deadline set by the society, ‘20 main career and 25 main shaadi and 30 main bache’. You can probably extend this by 5 years for current generation. Okay we may agree that society feels this is an ideal age but why everyone is expected to follow this? Why in the name of some so called timelines someone is not having an option of not being sure? The word ‘generally’ becomes so pressuring that no one is allowed to go beyond this ‘usual’ deadline. We need to generalise “I am not sure”
Don’t let the mixed signals fool you. Indecision is a decision
-Anonymous
The idea of someone not being sure is simple, they have not decided yet or they need more time to decide. How come such a simple concept is difficult to digest? Why it is so important for everyone to figure out everything ? We are seeing increase number of cases where students are under peer pressure, teenagers are feeling depressed and people are not sure of their other half. One of the reason might be that they were never sure but someone ensure that they were sure. I am not saying that after being sure things cannot go sideways it certainly can. But the idea is that we need not marginalise those who are not sure. Some of these decisions are life changing and can have long lasting impact. You want to take it when you are in your right mind. And you certainly do not want to take it in the name of “how come you are not sure?”. People say you will never be sure about 100% and I agree but the idea is that this thought also has to come from the one who is not sure. At that time probably he is ready to take a plunge.
So
let’s legitimise “I am not sure”
let’s be okay with “I am not sure”
Let’s generalise “I am not sure”
And most importantly let’s accept “I AM NOT SURE”
Dharmin Shah 